This is why she won’t let you in.
A love letter to the guy in seat 2B
People show different sides of themselves to different people in their lives. Have you ever caught yourself sharing intimate details of your life with a stranger seated next to you on an airplane?
Perhaps it’s that you may never see this person again after this ride is over. You don’t have to face them tomorrow. There is no tomorrow, in this case, there is only now. The present moment. You don’t even know their name. You made a brief introduction during takeoff and swiftly forgot as the plane hit a small amount of turbulence. Was it Matt? He looks like a Matt…
What’s so different between this interaction and getting to know someone we’re dating? Why does revealing intimate details of your life feel so effortless in this setting and yet so uncomfortable in the other? Why is there so much more pressure to be perfect when there’s a future in question? We meet many people in our lives. Most likely, you’ll barely remember this person’s name in a month or two.
You told me a story on our first date and I felt connected to you for a fleeting moment. Three dates in, I revealed something about myself. Something I cared about. Only to be met by a stone wall of a person. Why after we had gotten to know each other a bit was it different for you? The guy on the plane didn’t flinch when I told him my sister was an addict.
We create a narrative in our heads about people we meet as we get to know them. It’s hard sometimes to integrate new details into these stories. No, what you just told me doesn’t fit into the box I placed you in. It makes me uncomfortable. I shut down. I stopped listening long ago.
We create a narrative in our heads about people we meet as we get to know them.
Knowing this, you don’t reveal the details in that story you wanted to tell. You gloss over them. They aren’t important to the person in front of you. They won’t fit in with what they already believe to be true.
This is why she won’t let you in. She has met you before. You’re the same brown-haired, blue-eyed box collector. She doesn’t want to be put in a box. So you’ll never know her.
You’ll never know she smiles when she sees a duck waddle after its mother in a park. You’ll never know her favorite flavor is cinnamon because her mother was a baker. You’ll never know the real story behind the butterfly tattoo on her left hip. Saddest of all, you’ll never know her.
We need to stop thinking we know who a person is shortly after meeting them. There is a blind stigma that people simply do not change. Perhaps, for some, this is true. But, too often, we place a person in a box and try to keep them in it. People are multi-faceted, multi-dimensional beings. You’ll learn a lot more about the world if you let go of assumptions and open your ears.
We need to stop thinking we know who a person is shortly after meeting them.
Next time someone opens up, I’m going to put on my impartial listening hat. Who’s joining me?
*Parts of this piece have been embellished to drive the point home. I am, by no means, an expert in this subject matter.
